Updated: Jun 23, 2020
The earth is in pain and so are the people. I can feel it like a punch to the gut, I have been bracing myself for it daily. I’m winded and wounded and tired.
I can feel our collective pain as sharply as my own personal grief.
I recognized, recently, that people, as beautiful as we are, cannot love infinitely, love is not an endless resource. Love is finite and it becomes depleted and dries up when you don’t nurture and let it be watered.
My love, in this perspective, is a precious resources. As such, love is not to be given in haste nor should anyone expect the well to always be full. It must be conserved. So that we may drink from it ourselves and heal.
I am trying to heal myself in a world that has yet to recognize my value. I am trying to heal among people who have yet to know their own self-destructive ways. Everyone is an open, gaping wound in need of healing, incapable of loving yet, demanding to be loved fully regardless.
I desire and deserve healing end wholeness, if for no other reason than I am here, taking up space in this universe.
Experiencing myself through myself feels like the only real way to make something out of this life. I am trying to heal while also understanding that new pain will come, while collective pain still permeates everything.
I am taking things moment by moment. The benefit of this is being very present. I am here, learning how to get through it and here is what I’ve been practicing:
Accepting my sorrows as temporary
Loss is painful, especially when it is inexplicable or unexpected. In these moments I despair so deeply and I wonder how I will find the strength to endure it, while also enduring it. Sorrow has yet to take up permanent residence. Even when it’s a frequent guest. The length of stay is different every time but it is always temporary. I get through it. I can’t promise I’m better for it but I am wiser.
Prioritizing my own needs
It is not my full-time job to accommodate others. It is my job to take care of myself. It is my job to ensure my own needs are fully met and to stop putting that aside for others. This stance can be difficult for some to take, especially when they are used to having unlimited access. However, there is nothing altruistic or cute about martyring yourself. When the air bag drops you are to place it on yourself first before helping anyone else. This is a good metaphor for life.
Embracing the opportunities that come with “Yes”
I learned to say, “No” and it was the most empowering lesson. The word, “No,” helps me set limits. It protects me from over extending myself. I will forever be grateful to ‘No’ but, too many Nos can have me missing out on great opportunities. So lately I am embracing, “Yes,” on my terms and at my convenience. All these years, all these mistakes, all these broken relationships and I finally know what I don’t want or need in my life. So when I say ‘Yes’ I know it is to an opportunity that will open me up and maybe even soothe my broken heart.
Putting up healthy boundaries
Not everyone deserves my time, love, affections, or support. Realizing many of my “friends” were nothing more than energy leeches wearing familiar faces was a blessing. None of us are perfect and so many of us are recovering from our own traumas but there is no excuse for the reckless abandonment with which some have abused my love. I decided no one is permitted to center their feelings in my life and anyone who does is reminded of my boundaries. Those who love me respect this, those who don’t respect this are ejected from my life. That’s self-care.
Walking away from unhealthy relationships
To expound on my points above, once I began to assert myself with moral courage and honesty, the backlash was swift. People become very angry with me for failing to center them in my life. This hurt. I am generous of spirit with my loved ones. Love that can’t be reciprocated, however, is always painful no matter who it is. When this pain becomes too much to bear, I have to walk away. I must prioritized myself!
Complete honesty with myself and those around me
Honesty is everything. I use it to keep myself centered, so I don’t lose my grip on reality. In this post truth era, honesty is the only thing reminding me what is “normal,” and what is corrupt, capitalist bullshit. Honesty is the thing I hold onto when nothing else remains and it is the thing I take with me wherever I go. Honesty is the gasoline I use to fuel my moral courage and it is also the reason I sleep so peacefully at night. Things like right and wrong, good and bad are always up for debate but truth is truth is truth, is truth and telling the complete truth, being transparent about my pain, is a liberating thing.
Accepting the full range of my emotions
Life is not always rainbows and butterflies. In fact much of it is grey skies and mosquitoes. Happy endings or bright sides to look on are few and far between. It is unfair and unjust and the good guys do not always win. This makes me angry and it makes me bitter, sometimes it steals my joy. I can’t always be brave in the face of my pain. I often felt guilty for this. As if my anger was wrong. As if I didn’t have the right to my own bitterness. People are uncomfortable with negative emotions but that doesn’t make them wrong. Now I try to embrace and feel all my emotions fully without shame.
Healing is not like it is in the movies, there is no beginning, middle, and end, no straight line with quirky supporting characters to guide us on the way. It is often and ugly and uncomfortable process, leading to more questions than there are answers.
I look back on old pain and I am not always grateful, few of my loose ends have ever been tied up. Some are scars still sore, lessons learned regardless. I am learning how to own my process and travel through it on my own terms.
If you are reading this, please know the universe sent me to remind you that you’re worthy. That your space in the universe matters and so does your comfort and healing.
Sending peace and love to all today and always.